Dancing in the Dark
by 4plato
Summary: After What Now? and before Bombshells. When sex gets complicated its good to have a friend who's a doctor.


House walked in as he always does, but this time he stopped to lock the door behind him. "What's that all about?" Wilson asked looking up from his desk

"No interruptions" House was across the room and laying on the couch.

"Well, since you are the only one who ever walks in without knocking, and you're already in the room, I think we're safe." Wilson waited for a moment trying to gauge House's mood. "Just need to escape the team or did you want to see me?"

"I'm having problems with thing at Cuddy's. Need some advice" House had his eyes closed his fists digging into his forehead.

"Look,' Wilson changed into his 'I am a doctor and I care' voice, " I know this is different for you and I'm always here but eventually you are going to have to start talking to each other. If there are problems with things at Cuddy's" he let the sentence hang there.

"Not with things, with thing" House nodding downward slightly.

"With thing?"

"Thing. The Appeaser The Appendage. Do I have to spell it out for you. Thing is not working right."

"Oh," Wilson got it, "Well first, don't panic. At your age it is normal for 'thing' not to perform as expected on occassion. Not that it has been a problem I've personally experienced. In fact, for me ..." Wilson leaned back in his chair, arms behind his head. looking at the ceiling, smiling as if remembering pleasant times.

"Could we please keep the conversation on me and my problems?" House was not amused

"Yeah, we've done that before, several times, in fact." Wilson was torn between wanting to sympathize and the natural male instinct of humiliating another's sexual problems especially considering how often House had been bragging lately of his romantic trysts with Cuddy in unusual and unexpected places. "So all that you've been telling me about you two making the hospital into your own private Club Med was a load of crap"

"No and you really need to concentrate. I said there was problems at Cuddy's. Here at the hospital its all good. In fact, for your information and consideration, I just finished doing her in one of the exam rooms in gynecology"

"Gynecology, One of the tables with the stirrups?" Wilson said with the proper blend of admiration and envy.

"Fantasize on your own time. Oh, and now you owe me a fantasy"

"Sure, I'm working on one with a crossbow and a squirrel in tights" Wilson was stalling for time, not sure he wanted to go where his friend was leading. "Anyway, here at the hospital you're OK?"

"OK? I'm rock solid, dude" House was offended. "Here I'll put my thing up against your thing anytime" No sooner had he said it, then he realized it hadn't come out the way he'd planned. "Forget I said that"

"God willing." Wilson shook his head trying to expel that image from his mind. "What I don't get is, hasn't Cuddy noticed that action stops at her doorstep?'

"Action doesn't stop it just takes a different route.?"

"And that means...?"

"Here at the hospital we dance and at home we, we sing." House looked over at Wilson hopefully, maybe he'd get it and there would be no need for further explanation.

"What?" no such luck, Wilson was clueless.

House tried again. He gestured towards his crotch, "here we dance," hands moved up to his face, "at her house we sing." Again, he threw a hopeful glance at Wilson.

"Do YOU even know what you're talking about anymore?" Wilson looked as if he were really trying to get it.

House motioned one more time only now he started grinding his hips, "Dance" then again motioned towards his face licking his lips. "Sing, what the hell do you think I'm talking about?"

"Oh,oh,oh, OK ," Wilson grabbed a pen and started writing.

"What are you doing now?" House moaned

"I'm starting a list of accepted euphemisms we can use, Make our conversations go faster." Wilson kept writing.  
"Got a few more we've used in the past,

"That's actually a good idea. We'll work on it over lunch. Now can we get back to me"

"Sure, just one second, 'Baring the bough', that ought to do it. OK so the problem is geographic. "  
Wilson dropped the sarcastic tone, this was actually kind of interesting, in a medical-psych kind of way.  
"Something about her place is getting to you. Maybe it represents commitment, or because its her house you feel ..."

"No," House interrupted. "I know exactly when it started and why. In the beginning I was fine. I could dance with the best of them. Then one night I'm laying down a flamenco like a twenty year old gypsy on speed. I got the beat going, I got style, its all there then " he paused for a second, "this little voice going Mommmy mommmy mommmy"

"I get it, "Wilson smiled. "Cuddy got up to take care of the kid, you hated being put off and.."

"NO," House almost yelled "I am not a five year old. And Cuddy didn't get up right away. I mean it was obvious the kid wasn't hurt or anything. Probably just wanted some water or something."

"So what was the problem?"

"The damn kid was like a metronome. mom mee mom mee mom mee. Threw my rhythm off totally, I went from a flamenco to a waltz in ten seconds flat. Finally, just told Cuddy to go take care of the kid"' he sounded defeated.

"And when she got back?" Wilson asked almost afraid of the answer.

"Nothing, I pretended to be asleep." House noticed Wilson writing again, "That isn't a euphemism, I actually pretended to be asleep."

"I know,' Wilson tore off the page he had been writing on and walked over to the couch and put the paper on House's stomach. "This is the answer, only don't react right away. Just think about it for a minute.'

House looked at the paper and groaned. "That is all you've got. Viagra. I don't need Viagra."

"I know you don't, not in the usual sense, but this is just to get over a traumatic event, Use it once or twice and you'll be fine on your own. I promise." Wilson started back to his desk, "Trust me"

"I am not putting that junk in my body! I'm fine I just..."

Wilson turned. "House, I've seen you take experimental drugs the rats refused. Just take the damn pills"

Just then House's pager went off. "Test results in, gotta run. I'll go save somebody, you try and come up with a better answer."


End file.
